SHE KNOWS BEST
I really had no choice in the matter. After 20 odd years working my backside to the bone driving buses, my brain had become so addled that, when my wife instructed me to make a garden planter in the form of a Flowerpot Man the only response I could think of was "Yes dear, consider it done". That was the easy bit and I had no idea at the time of the monster being spawned in our back garden, fed by cans of Boddingtons. The first consideration was, how big. About 3 feet tall she said (she knows best), so I planned and costed a 3 foot Terracotta model, too heavy and too expensive I said. Don't be ridiculous, try again with plastic pots she said (she knows best). After a few 'rest' days experimentation 'Bill the first' was born in the spring of 1991 and duly took up residence in the back garden. All was peaceful on the home front, rest days were indeed reserved for resting. Then 'friends' arrived to deprive me of some of my Boddingtons.Could you make one for us" they said.Of course he could" said she who knows best. My next 'Rest day' became 'Ben the first' day -- then the other 'friends' who deprive me of my Boddingtons began to say "could you", "yes" she said, and so followed Nobby, Sparky, and so on and so on. A flowerpot man to sit on a log in the front garden - she said; another 'rest' day lost and Muttley sat on his log. A flowerpot lady pushing a barrow - she said; hello Maisy. I did manage to keep some rest days over the next five years then, in August 1996 two flowerpot men waited outside the front door for friends to collect them (more Boddingtons lost), when an accident caused traffic from a local industrial estate to queue past our house for several hours. The doorbell rang -"are they for sale" said the man. "No" said I "they are for friends" - "but he could make one for you" said the voice over my shoulder (she knows best) -"Oh but I'm on my way home to Manchester" he said - "oh well, in that case, take one of these" said she, and off it went strapped into the front passenger seat of a BMW, even the exhaust note had a Mancunian twang - funny that. No sooner had they left, both grinning inanely, than another car pulled up and the same thing happened all over again (she knows best). I was left to explain to the friends what had happened to their planters (more lost Boddingtons). "Of course he will replace them" she said (another rest day gone); thus began the saga. In early October, in my capacity of unpaid, uncomplaining labourer come gofer come dogsbody for my wifes business, I discovered the tiny terracotta pots -"these could be made into small, ornamental flowerpot men" I said - you guessed it (she knows best). The first 'mini man' was bought, sight unseen, by a local bus driver (anything to take money off the opposition) and was followed by escalating orders. Xmas 1996 built up to a nightmare, I rushed home from work in order to start work. "What's for tea dear" - "Flowerpot men" (she knows best). By April 1997 over 50 garden planters and nearly 200 'mini men' had left for better homes in places as far apart as Suffolk, Aberdeen, Southampton, Kent, Cheshire and Germany. When the editor of the company magazine expressed an interest in an article, I said "Yes, good idea" (in anticipation of her knowing best). Then followed a Photo ca1l at company H.Q. during which the managing director poked his nose in and said "Do you make a size in between" - "difficult" I said, but I should have realised (she knows best). We now have a new terracotta model called the Boddington (he just fits nicely into a Boddingtons beer carton), a 12 inch tall terracotta flowerpot man and a 12" alpine planter. There followed 30" and 39" terracotta flowerpot man garden planters, terracotta tortoise planters and many more. Illness arrived with a vengeance and after three months not working the finances were getting a little rocky, something had to be done. Mail order said she, so we placed our first advert in a gardening magazine in December 1997. Not a runaway success, but it did stagger to its knees and we are now getting repeat orders from mail order customers ( that is one of the most gratifying things about the whole idea - the very high rate of repeat orders - which shows that other people find the characters as amusing as we do). Next on the cards will be craft fairs etc. Last week, waking in a cold sweat from one of my regular nightmares, she enquired as to the cause - "I dreamt I was making a 6 foot terracotta flowerpot man" said I. You guessed it (she knows best)
© David Heginbothom 1998-2006